It's time someone wasn't a coward about this

It's Blaugust, which means it's August, which also means that I'm hearing cicadas in full force outside; while usually that causes me to make a post about our song of the same name (I'll do that later), instead this call of the summer insects caught me at a time where I was seeing a fair amount of discourse about the supposed “correct” order to watch seminal anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion going around online....and that means I feel...called to action, shall we say? There's so much misinformation around that a definitive watch order needs to be spelled out for non-Japanese speaking newcomers to the franchise and by god, I'll be the one if I must.

Buckle in because this will be time-consuming and a lot of effort yet worth it for the sake of properly experiencing the work:

Step 1

Watch the 1995 Gainax-produced television anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion two episodes at a time in dub format only. Ideally you can grab the ADV VHS copies from the 90's but if you have to go with the modern DVDs or Netflix it's imperative you only do two episodes at a time and then take a day (or weeks, depending on availability at your local video store) between them.

Bonus points; watch them late at night so you're tired for work the next day and questioning your life choices.

Step 2

Once you've completed the show, start the 1997 film Death and Rebirth but stop about halfway through when you realize it’s just an elaborate clip show; it's important than you then find out afterward that the part shortly after where you stopped is actually new content, but you don't go back for it because it's only the first 30 minutes of the next movie anyway.

Easy.

Step 3

At a friend's recommendation (who you currently trust, but not for long) buy mass quantities of sunny delight (orange juice serves in a pinch) and then watch the 1997 film End of Evangelion. Now, it's imperative you watch both this and the previous entry in Japanese so there's an air of unfamiliarity with the voice cast as you're used to the (horrendous) ADV English dub.

Once you've finished the film, try your best to rationalize the artistic importance of the hospital scene (you can't)¹, cut of all ties with the friend you trusted and never drink sunny delight again (you'll thank me for that), and put Komm, süsser Tod on repeat on your Winamp playlists. Tumblin' down, baby. Tumblin' down.

Also included in this step as a bonus, watch the Prodigy Breathe and Ramstein Engel AMVs set to the sick-ass Asuka fight. They rip. I think they're still on YouTube after all these years but I'm not gonna check for you; you can only lead a horse etc etc.

Step 4

Import and play the 1999 Japanese-only Nintendo 64 game, Neon Genesis Evangelion 64; be unable to understand most of the text but enjoy the (albeit janky) gameplay.

(This is just a treat for you, it has no bearing on anything else)

Step 5

Import and play the 2003 Japanese-only PlayStation 2 game Neon Genesis Evangelions (aka Evangelion 2); be unable to understand most of the text but bristle at the gameplay enough to be able to get to the "classified documents" terminals placed in the game (which is the only location that contain lore that is "highly important to the setting of the show" and also simultaneously meaningless bullshit that has no real bearing on anything) and do your best to translate them.

The 2006 re-release of the game for the PSP also works for this step if you prefer that format. PSP was a great system, no shade.

Step 6

Start a clock and wait roughly five years.

Once the clock stops, re-watch the 1995 series in entirety with your partner who does not regularly watch anime (If you lack a partner or your partner does regularly watch anime and has seen Eva before you can skip this step but it does break some of the experiment).

Dub or sub works at this point, we're not monsters - but it needs to be the pre-Netflix release. If you're not hearing "Fly me to the Moon" at the end you've fucked up.

Step 7

Start another clock. Wait approximately five more years and then watch the 2007 film, Evangelion: 1.0 You Are (Not) Alone (or 1.11 since that's what's available as a home release). Discuss it with friends and colleagues who do not see any visual difference between the re-animated scenes and like, go full hog here. Make some enemies.

Step 8

Start another clock. Two years, this time. Once it's done, you can watch the second rebuild film, 2009's Evangelion: 2.0 You Can (Not) Advance (or again, 2.22; you know how this goes for the home release numbering systems).

At this point you need to loudly wonder what the fuck is going on and start tempering your expectations. It's vitally important that this is the first time you do so. If you've tempered expectations before this moment, all might be lost. Fifth impact or some shit. You don't want that on your conscience.

Step 9

Clock time, baybeeee. Another 5 year wait, it's time for 2012's Evangelion: 3.0 You Can (Not) Redo (3.33 for home etc etc).

Immediately after completing the third rebuild film, watch the 'next time on' segment at the end on repeat because that version of the song Peaceful Times goes harder than it has any right to. Like. What the fuck.

Also remember the vital plot details that are shown in said 'next time on', this will be important for Step 11!!

Step 10

Optional step, but at this point since enough time has passed, you may have kids and they may are be old enough to watch Evangelion (though it's questionable if any of us are ever truly old enough for this shit); if so, consider a watch through the '95 show and End of Eva with them² and deal with those awkward conversations.

You gotta prep them for what "get in the robot, Shinji" is referring to by being a person online, y'know?

Step 11

Once exactly five years has passed from your first watch through of the third rebuild film, pop some popcorn and load up the finale, 2021's Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time (Anno, why are they named like this?? who hurt you????). Recall all the important plot details from the 3.33 'next time on' and prepare to see them in all of their glory, only to realize none of that happens.

Don't participate in any evageeks or fandom wiki trawling. Don't visit Evangelion subreddits or anime message boards - stew with what you've experienced.

Bonus points if you can track down the Austin Walker now-deleted tweet edit of the Village scene that dubbed in Toni Braxton's Un-Break My Heart because it's truly a thing of wonder.

After all of the above, you can truly say goodbye to Evangelion.

and ignore that they've announced more coming in the franchise, fuck my life

Anyway, thanks for reading. Here's your end-of-post cat; his name is Topaz the Magic Cat and he doesn't usually look this unhinged but given the subject matter above I think I'll allow it.